Striving towards Wholeness...

A life is either all spiritual or not spiritual at all. No man can serve two masters. Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire. ~Thomas Merton

In my humanness I am broken, fearful and ridden with despair. Through much prayer and meditation it has come to my awareness that brokenness can become wholeness, fear can shift to faith and despair traverses the expanse to hope. The path seemed steep, rocky and extremely dangerous as I began to navigate mid-life. The thought that was most prevalent in my minds eye was "the unexamined life is not worth living." Of course, I must admit I had never been much of a deep thinker. My motto for the first half of my life must have surely been, "if it feels good, do it." Again, I must say, I had never actually contemplated this philosophy either! To say that mid-life has been an intense and violent struggle would be an understatement. Choosing life over death was the greatest obstacle. But a life full of strom and drung was not very appealing. I began to ask these questions -first to myself, then to the universe and slowly but surely to the God of my Understanding - "how do I have spiritual maturity and personal authority?"

About half way through my first year of this mid-life journey spiritual maturity and personal authority were the most appealing tangible concepts I could begin to wrap my thoughts around. There have been no sure fire answers, no truth written in stone (much to my chagrin!). Shades of grey still permeate much of my existence. Today, as opposed to years past I do possess a modicum of peace and serenity. Daily, I cultivate this place in my soul through prayer and meditation. That's what it became about at mid-life, no longer striving for selfish pleasures but rather for the Goodness of the Whole. Striving towards wholeness has given me a place and a purpose.

To say I have any answers would surely be folly on my part. To suggest that I KNOW anything would be ridiculous...for what has happened is one question has lead to the next and so on. There have been themes of investigation and understanding; from reading spiritual writers such as Thomas Merton to Anne Lamott, becoming a certified Meditation Instructor to working on becoming a Spiritual Director, from voice lessons to acting lessons - all the while pulling the thread tighter to become a synthesis of wholeness in body, mind and soul. It has become about thoughts and feelings, my experience, strength and hope of seeing the world through unveiled eyes.

Personal Authority has become about knowing what I believe and acting accordingly. Authority implies certainty and understanding. As opposed to compromising one's values just to please others. Sure I still care what others think a mighty plenty but with Spiritual Maturity that too has lessened. Once you say what you believe you cannot back down because it is not popular and of course, if you learn new information the best part of it all is that you can change your stance! Spiritual Maturity has sent me reeling ...looking for answers in every nook and cranny, under every rock and in so many venues that even the Tasmanian devil would become dizzy. Today is has become about obedience! Iiyiyi, oy vey!!! Obedience to the God of my Understanding instead of to my own hedonistic pleasures. I simply cried UNCLE...I give-my way no longer works and probably never did really "work".

Meditation gives me space. The much needed space to strive towards wholeness. Through a regular practice of twice daily I quiet my heart and mind. It's a time of no input from outside sources, no newspaper or television, no computer or cell phone. I just sit and listen. At first my head roars ...now this, now that, then this, then that...think, think, think...ahhh! My breathing become slow and methodical. Ideas spring forth from the valley of my soul...whispers and images float gently in...as I strive with grace towards a wholeness of goodness and mercy, my truest desires shape my life but without meditation - I could never have uncovered the truth of wanting a deeper purpose and more meaningful existence.

Why Meditate?

“If you want to find God, hang out in the space between your thoughts."
~ Alan Cohen

Why should you take time away from your busy hectic goal oriented life to meditate? AAhhh...there are many reasons for one to practice the ancient science of meditation. There are phenomenal mental benefits, amazing physical benefits and unbelievable spiritual benefits. You care about your life or you wouldn't be trying so hard to "get" somewhere. The only place you really need to go...is into the Valley of Your Own Soul!

During meditation there are moments when the mental chatter - "monkey mind" -ceases. You feel a kind of peace that resonates more deeply than the melody of your favorite piece of music. A peace that lingers, softly draped around you like a white linen shroud. As you go about your normal routine you begin to notice things that you've never noticed before; the beautiful blue sky, the sound of children laughing. Your mind is more organized as if you'd been upgraded from Windows 97 to Windows XP. You've worked all day and didn't once say to yourself, "I'm tired!" And those are just a very few examples of the benefits of meditations.

It's quite simple, all you have to do is: Dress comfortably, find a comfortable place to sit, have no expectations, close your eyes and open your mind. There are some other practical considerations - like time limits depending on your own personal schedule. It's suggested that you meditate no less than 3 x's per week for 10 minutes but you can go longer if you can. Make sure your environment is safe, preferably no strange animals lurking around. Finding a breathing exercise that makes you feel grounded and centered really helps! There are many to choose from! If you get confused because there are so many to choose from just start with a simple breath of breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth- not too fast but not too slow...you'll know because you'll feel fuzzy headed or anxious if you aren't doing it correctly. Your mind will wander - process like a computer chomping - just let the thoughts come and go, don't follow them. Breath in an out. After a while your thoughts will begin to slow down. Your breathing will automatically slow down. You will feel peace!

At least that's why I meditate! So try it and let me know how it goes.

Peace and blessings!

Breath of Life

After 40 plus days of bloggin my meditations I realized that perhaps the colors I kept seeing where not some inspirational color of the day, but rather blocks in my chakras. Chakra's are the system I choose to use in my analysis into the valley of my soul...I get them! Once I realized the colors were blocks, I gained a bit of freedom! After several weeks of meditating in the valley I have climbed a mountain. A mountain? Ok, so is that more unbelievable than the others parts of my meditative journey? Not to me.

I wasn't exactly sure what this "mountain" experience meant until I remembered in psychology and religion the mountain represents being at a spritual pinnacle. Not that I have really gained an answer as to what I'm supposed to do now...but I have accomplished one great feat, I climbed a mountain! Hm?


Psynologically Mountains represent the lofty, planes of consciousness. It is the realm of the ‘higher self’, the part of you that has higher, transcendent knowledge. Meditating and having this mountain top experience may show how you now feel that you have risen above the common routines of life and achieved something with spiritual meaning. Conversely, it may show your desire to do this. (this would be more true in my own case!) Mountains can also indicate that you are in touch with or thinking about the higher dimensions of reality. On a more mundane level, climbing a mountain may symbolise your sense of achievement and the arduous effort needed for a long-term undertaking. You are on the slippery slopes to success and have the self-determination to reach it.

The mystical meaning of climbing a mountain effortlessly is that all your ventures will be successful. To the Chinese a mountain can symbolise the unshakeable peace that comes from keeping the mind still during meditation.

So what does all this have to do with todays meditation? Good question. Today I prayed, and did the same Kriya as yesterday, 7 Steps to Health...did it help? I am assuming that it does. I have faith in the process. It's an ancient science steeped in mysticism. Does is help me to know that something is based in science and mysticism? Sure it does. It means that those who've gone before me have tried it enough to see the benefits. So I trust the process.

After prayer I did a meditation for Health. The meditation included a mantra, Har, which means the infinite one. As I chanted and focused as directed ( with my eyes closed) on the tip of my nose, I began to see air going into my nose and out of my mouth. How could this be possible when my eyes were closed? This is part where Taoism says language just can't explain the experience. It was amazing! To know that what I am is breath...in and out...that what makes me alive in this body, in human form...was amazing. But there is more to me than being human and that's what this whole meditation thing is about! There's a part of me that has a spirit. A spirit? Like something that transcends physical existence? So what does that look like?

Doesn't spirit mean breath? (am I starting to go in circles?) hm.... I think that I breathe and that makes me alive. Being alive is about my physical being. Spirit is that part of me that is non=physical. Do I have a choice in the matter? Some people say we don't have a choice to be born but we can choose to live or die. I made the choice to live my life based on the fact that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.

So now, I have wings to fly...where do I go...what do I do...who do I see?

Peace and grace!

Think before I Speak!

Blue...The Throat Chakra

Meaning:
Communication, self expression and truth
Visuddhi = Purification Centre
Shuddhi = to purify
In this Chakra, purifying and harmonizing of all opposites takes place.
Also known as the nectar and poison chakra. Here, the nectar drops down from the Bindu (Bindu is the ultimate source of which all things manifest and to which return)
The pure form and the poison, the poison is discarded and the pure nectar nourishes the body.

Okay, today is a rushed day. I woke up late at 6:15. I could not give up my cigarette, coffee, hot tub or water with crystal light! By the time I arrived in my meditation room I only had 25 minutes to spare. I prayed and asked questions like What Can I Do to be better today? What does all this mean...these things that are happening in my meditation? I did a five minute meditation for breaking addiction, you know, the smoking thing. Then I sat in easy pose and did the meditation for focus and sweetness.

I called for Lagan! It was a while before he appeared! He said that the color of the day is blue. Ahh, the throat chakra. The thing I've been searching out for several years - my voice! Not my I can speak and ramble on voice, not my loud laughter voice but my interior voice the still small quiet voice of guidance. Lagan said, "think before you speak." It's not like I haven't heard that one before! I just get so very excited about so many things I tend to run my words together and skip lots of details when talking. I also asked for a song to help me through the day...and voila..."Top of the World"...again a song about LOVE. So today, love is what makes my world go around I will observe the subtext of others...the subtleties that I often miss by interjecting my energy into situations.

Now, I'm off to met my spiritual advisor then attend a funeral for my husbands best friends father! To pay my respects to a man I greatly admire!

Blessings

My Inner Voice

Remember my toolbox - the one where I found some of my "voice"? Well, I have something to tell you that's much more spectacular than what I found in the garage in my old toolbox...in fact...it's so much more of an "aha" moment, that I can barely begin to articulate it. The voice I found on the mountain resonates with a depth that expands from the Valley of Pocahontas, WV to the top of the East River Mountain and beyond!

Shhh...now don't fall over...(promise?)...are you smiling with anticipation yet? If not, I'll drag the suspense out for a while longer...See the picture...it's a picture of "the meadow". The meadow is on the top the East River Mountain in Bluefield, Va. Down in the Valley...the part you can't see ...is Pocahontas, WV. The place with coal mines that helped drive the Industrial Revolution and fueled both world wars with it's bituminous coal...I found a few pieces of it as I hiked through the hills.

But that's not really what I wanted to tell you about...Coal? Seriously, I had on a pink cowboy hat for goodness sake.......I really rode all over the mountain on a four-wheeler with my pink cowboy hat on searching for bear sightings mind you!! And yes, I carried my "Barney gun"...the one I carry for safety but keep the bullets seperate from it! However, as I seriously digress, while trying to hold you in suspense...I need to get to the point. (yes, I promise to tell you about the bears later!)

In case you haven't guessed by now - I ask a lot of questions. About the nature of man and the universe, motives, emotions, spirituality..nature...my existenence - belief systems, upbringing, religion/mythology. For several years now as I enter early mid-life and trudge thru menopause (yeah go figure...I thought I was too young too!!), these two things pop up daily, "finding my voice" and "pay attention". I began to get the pay attention part early on - stay in the moment, stop and smell the roses, listening when I ask questions, really listen when other people are speaking, holding thoughts (you know because words trigger thoughts - thoughts trigger emotions) and an endless litany of other valuable lessons over the course of the past four years. "Finding my voice" has been another story.

After the first year of my search...through self help books, journaling, getting in great physical shape, exploring my spiritual and religious beliefs, I began to take "voice lessons"(I did this right out of high school too, but my goal was to be an opera singer!)...please stop laughing...I know, it sounds funny...but I didn't find it when I was younger and I couldn't find it four years ago so I went for help! Of course, it did help - it gave me confidence in myself because the voice teacher was also an acting coach. I got to see myself on camera every week! I learned what I did and didn't like about myself in the most visual and auditory way possible - through the lenses of a camera. Articulation and body language were the focus of each lesson. It was awesome - but, I am sad to report, I did not find my voice. Gaining a desire to model again and become an actress were good esteem builders but I don't think that's my true purpose. (and yes, I'll tell you about that experience later too.

As I lay in bed several nights ago...in the pitch black filled with soothing quiet and a soft stillness ...in a tiny cabin not far from the meadow - I talked to God. Asking what I was supposed to be doing with my life...why couldn't I find my voice...where was it...I'd looked everywhere...my mind began to race with questions...one thought leading to the next...until I got completely off track...yes, I know...it's the same way I write! An no it's not because I like to hear my own head roar...it's because I have a very difficult time with focus and concentration. Back to the pitch black filled with soothing quiet and a soft stillness. Guess what? .... I found my voice! AHA!!! It was amazing - like a jolt of electricity running through the mountain top where no electricity has ever been. It was really quite simple - in the darkness there were no sounds...my head stopped roaring...and deep inside my being...somewhere in the region of my heart a small tiny voice pushed sounds filled with wisdom, morales and values, intuition and experiences. I giggled with amazement as quietly as I possibly could...I giggled so hard that tears began to stream down my cheeks and fall onto my pillow. The voice was much stronger than the piece I found in my toolbox! Because...it all of sudden dawned on me that it wasn't my larynx or my diaphram or even my vocal box....it was my INNER VOICE!!! Well DUH!

The voice was mine! The missing piece of the "finding my voice" puzzle. You see even when I found my voice in my toolbox it didn't dawn on me that my voice was inside of me. I still thought that somehow the voice belonged to everyone! Thus my impatience and aggrevation with individuation! It was truly one of the greatest AHA moments of my life! In the middle of the night on a mountain top ...hey, didn't Jesus always go to the mountaintop for revelations? I can truly see why. My voice ...it resides within me and it's steeped in a life time of experiences most of which have been learned the hard way - by making mistake after mistake...probably because I go too fast! My voice filled with millions of intuitive moments. My voice is growing louder and stronger with each breath I take...and for that today, I am truly grateful! The gifts I was given in that four days on the mountain will stay with me for a lifetime.

In the darkness comes a light. A light of hope! Feelings are just that...they are real but they are just tools! They are each individuals responsibility - feel the feeling but don't take negative emotions out on other people but I think showing positive ones are okay - love, kindess, and even firmness are acceptable responses to life...and we are only human and will make the mistake of lashing out in anger and resentment! The goal is to try and not be that way.

The goal is more to be "fingers on a hand"...a unified act of accomplishing tasks and duties...meeting deadlines, even simple ones like leaving the cabin at the previously designated time. But I'm beginning to sound preachy aren't I? My voice is bursting to come out...I have meandered down the mountain back into civilization...busy busy busy! But my voice came with me...my goal for today is to not let it be drowned out by life outside of me!

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it." James Truslow Adams