Remember my toolbox - the one where I found some of my "voice"? Well, I have something to tell you that's much more spectacular than what I found in the garage in my old toolbox...in fact...it's so much more of an "aha" moment, that I can barely begin to articulate it. The voice I found on the mountain resonates with a depth that expands from the Valley of Pocahontas, WV to the top of the East River Mountain and beyond!
Shhh...now don't fall over...(promise?)...are you smiling with anticipation yet? If not, I'll drag the suspense out for a while longer...See the picture...it's a picture of "the meadow". The meadow is on the top the East River Mountain in Bluefield, Va. Down in the Valley...the part you can't see ...is Pocahontas, WV. The place with coal mines that helped drive the Industrial Revolution and fueled both world wars with it's bituminous coal...I found a few pieces of it as I hiked through the hills.
Shhh...now don't fall over...(promise?)...are you smiling with anticipation yet? If not, I'll drag the suspense out for a while longer...See the picture...it's a picture of "the meadow". The meadow is on the top the East River Mountain in Bluefield, Va. Down in the Valley...the part you can't see ...is Pocahontas, WV. The place with coal mines that helped drive the Industrial Revolution and fueled both world wars with it's bituminous coal...I found a few pieces of it as I hiked through the hills.
But that's not really what I wanted to tell you about...Coal? Seriously, I had on a pink cowboy hat for goodness sake.......I really rode all over the mountain on a four-wheeler with my pink cowboy hat on searching for bear sightings mind you!! And yes, I carried my "Barney gun"...the one I carry for safety but keep the bullets seperate from it! However, as I seriously digress, while trying to hold you in suspense...I need to get to the point. (yes, I promise to tell you about the bears later!)
In case you haven't guessed by now - I ask a lot of questions. About the nature of man and the universe, motives, emotions, spirituality..nature...my existenence - belief systems, upbringing, religion/mythology. For several years now as I enter early mid-life and trudge thru menopause (yeah go figure...I thought I was too young too!!), these two things pop up daily, "finding my voice" and "pay attention". I began to get the pay attention part early on - stay in the moment, stop and smell the roses, listening when I ask questions, really listen when other people are speaking, holding thoughts (you know because words trigger thoughts - thoughts trigger emotions) and an endless litany of other valuable lessons over the course of the past four years. "Finding my voice" has been another story.
After the first year of my search...through self help books, journaling, getting in great physical shape, exploring my spiritual and religious beliefs, I began to take "voice lessons"(I did this right out of high school too, but my goal was to be an opera singer!)...please stop laughing...I know, it sounds funny...but I didn't find it when I was younger and I couldn't find it four years ago so I went for help! Of course, it did help - it gave me confidence in myself because the voice teacher was also an acting coach. I got to see myself on camera every week! I learned what I did and didn't like about myself in the most visual and auditory way possible - through the lenses of a camera. Articulation and body language were the focus of each lesson. It was awesome - but, I am sad to report, I did not find my voice. Gaining a desire to model again and become an actress were good esteem builders but I don't think that's my true purpose. (and yes, I'll tell you about that experience later too.
As I lay in bed several nights ago...in the pitch black filled with soothing quiet and a soft stillness ...in a tiny cabin not far from the meadow - I talked to God. Asking what I was supposed to be doing with my life...why couldn't I find my voice...where was it...I'd looked everywhere...my mind began to race with questions...one thought leading to the next...until I got completely off track...yes, I know...it's the same way I write! An no it's not because I like to hear my own head roar...it's because I have a very difficult time with focus and concentration. Back to the pitch black filled with soothing quiet and a soft stillness. Guess what? .... I found my voice! AHA!!! It was amazing - like a jolt of electricity running through the mountain top where no electricity has ever been. It was really quite simple - in the darkness there were no sounds...my head stopped roaring...and deep inside my being...somewhere in the region of my heart a small tiny voice pushed sounds filled with wisdom, morales and values, intuition and experiences. I giggled with amazement as quietly as I possibly could...I giggled so hard that tears began to stream down my cheeks and fall onto my pillow. The voice was much stronger than the piece I found in my toolbox! Because...it all of sudden dawned on me that it wasn't my larynx or my diaphram or even my vocal box....it was my INNER VOICE!!! Well DUH!
As I lay in bed several nights ago...in the pitch black filled with soothing quiet and a soft stillness ...in a tiny cabin not far from the meadow - I talked to God. Asking what I was supposed to be doing with my life...why couldn't I find my voice...where was it...I'd looked everywhere...my mind began to race with questions...one thought leading to the next...until I got completely off track...yes, I know...it's the same way I write! An no it's not because I like to hear my own head roar...it's because I have a very difficult time with focus and concentration. Back to the pitch black filled with soothing quiet and a soft stillness. Guess what? .... I found my voice! AHA!!! It was amazing - like a jolt of electricity running through the mountain top where no electricity has ever been. It was really quite simple - in the darkness there were no sounds...my head stopped roaring...and deep inside my being...somewhere in the region of my heart a small tiny voice pushed sounds filled with wisdom, morales and values, intuition and experiences. I giggled with amazement as quietly as I possibly could...I giggled so hard that tears began to stream down my cheeks and fall onto my pillow. The voice was much stronger than the piece I found in my toolbox! Because...it all of sudden dawned on me that it wasn't my larynx or my diaphram or even my vocal box....it was my INNER VOICE!!! Well DUH!
The voice was mine! The missing piece of the "finding my voice" puzzle. You see even when I found my voice in my toolbox it didn't dawn on me that my voice was inside of me. I still thought that somehow the voice belonged to everyone! Thus my impatience and aggrevation with individuation! It was truly one of the greatest AHA moments of my life! In the middle of the night on a mountain top ...hey, didn't Jesus always go to the mountaintop for revelations? I can truly see why. My voice ...it resides within me and it's steeped in a life time of experiences most of which have been learned the hard way - by making mistake after mistake...probably because I go too fast! My voice filled with millions of intuitive moments. My voice is growing louder and stronger with each breath I take...and for that today, I am truly grateful! The gifts I was given in that four days on the mountain will stay with me for a lifetime.
In the darkness comes a light. A light of hope! Feelings are just that...they are real but they are just tools! They are each individuals responsibility - feel the feeling but don't take negative emotions out on other people but I think showing positive ones are okay - love, kindess, and even firmness are acceptable responses to life...and we are only human and will make the mistake of lashing out in anger and resentment! The goal is to try and not be that way.
In the darkness comes a light. A light of hope! Feelings are just that...they are real but they are just tools! They are each individuals responsibility - feel the feeling but don't take negative emotions out on other people but I think showing positive ones are okay - love, kindess, and even firmness are acceptable responses to life...and we are only human and will make the mistake of lashing out in anger and resentment! The goal is to try and not be that way.
The goal is more to be "fingers on a hand"...a unified act of accomplishing tasks and duties...meeting deadlines, even simple ones like leaving the cabin at the previously designated time. But I'm beginning to sound preachy aren't I? My voice is bursting to come out...I have meandered down the mountain back into civilization...busy busy busy! But my voice came with me...my goal for today is to not let it be drowned out by life outside of me!
"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it." James Truslow Adams
