A life is either all spiritual or not spiritual at all. No man can serve two masters. Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire. ~Thomas Merton
In my humanness I am broken, fearful and ridden with despair. Through much prayer and meditation it has come to my awareness that brokenness can become wholeness, fear can shift to faith and despair traverses the expanse to hope. The path seemed steep, rocky and extremely dangerous as I began to navigate mid-life. The thought that was most prevalent in my minds eye was "the unexamined life is not worth living." Of course, I must admit I had never been much of a deep thinker. My motto for the first half of my life must have surely been, "if it feels good, do it." Again, I must say, I had never actually contemplated this philosophy either! To say that mid-life has been an intense and violent struggle would be an understatement. Choosing life over death was the greatest obstacle. But a life full of strom and drung was not very appealing. I began to ask these questions -first to myself, then to the universe and slowly but surely to the God of my Understanding - "how do I have spiritual maturity and personal authority?"
About half way through my first year of this mid-life journey spiritual maturity and personal authority were the most appealing tangible concepts I could begin to wrap my thoughts around. There have been no sure fire answers, no truth written in stone (much to my chagrin!). Shades of grey still permeate much of my existence. Today, as opposed to years past I do possess a modicum of peace and serenity. Daily, I cultivate this place in my soul through prayer and meditation. That's what it became about at mid-life, no longer striving for selfish pleasures but rather for the Goodness of the Whole. Striving towards wholeness has given me a place and a purpose.
To say I have any answers would surely be folly on my part. To suggest that I KNOW anything would be ridiculous...for what has happened is one question has lead to the next and so on. There have been themes of investigation and understanding; from reading spiritual writers such as Thomas Merton to Anne Lamott, becoming a certified Meditation Instructor to working on becoming a Spiritual Director, from voice lessons to acting lessons - all the while pulling the thread tighter to become a synthesis of wholeness in body, mind and soul. It has become about thoughts and feelings, my experience, strength and hope of seeing the world through unveiled eyes.
Personal Authority has become about knowing what I believe and acting accordingly. Authority implies certainty and understanding. As opposed to compromising one's values just to please others. Sure I still care what others think a mighty plenty but with Spiritual Maturity that too has lessened. Once you say what you believe you cannot back down because it is not popular and of course, if you learn new information the best part of it all is that you can change your stance! Spiritual Maturity has sent me reeling ...looking for answers in every nook and cranny, under every rock and in so many venues that even the Tasmanian devil would become dizzy. Today is has become about obedience! Iiyiyi, oy vey!!! Obedience to the God of my Understanding instead of to my own hedonistic pleasures. I simply cried UNCLE...I give-my way no longer works and probably never did really "work".
Meditation gives me space. The much needed space to strive towards wholeness. Through a regular practice of twice daily I quiet my heart and mind. It's a time of no input from outside sources, no newspaper or television, no computer or cell phone. I just sit and listen. At first my head roars ...now this, now that, then this, then that...think, think, think...ahhh! My breathing become slow and methodical. Ideas spring forth from the valley of my soul...whispers and images float gently in...as I strive with grace towards a wholeness of goodness and mercy, my truest desires shape my life but without meditation - I could never have uncovered the truth of wanting a deeper purpose and more meaningful existence.
