He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus
It has occurred to me in the last few days that for some time now I have been focusing on the perceived lack of spiritual experiences in my own journey of meditation. For those of you who follow my blog you may have noticed my lack of blogging - silence is not my strong suite, I can assure you! Since the beginning of August I have felt as though I were in a dormant state of existence...alive but not lively, each day coming and going with little or no heightened emotions. This has bothered me - to say the least. Words have not come easily and emotions have been flat lined. I have been grasping for more instead of being content in the moment. In the silence I have worried that perhaps something was wrong..."I've lost it" (my spiritual connection)..."woe is me..." and then it hit me! A subtle shift in my perspective is I'm not high (I've spent a great deal of my past life sustaining this state) nor am I low (which I'm acquainted with through love and loss, through grief and sorrow). So where does that leave me?
Somehow, somewhere along the journey I have begun to experience balance! A state in between highs and lows - the place I have spent the least amount of emotional time in! So, it's a totally foreign concept to me. As I've watched the season turn from bright sunshiny days into chilly autumn with leaves turning beautiful shades of orange, red and yellow then dropping slowly to the ground - I felt like death was around me. Today my world opened up! What is the meaning of meditation? (and yes I laugh out loud as I ponder this meaning!!) The word meditation comes from a latin root meaning middle and to stay...hence, "coming to the middle and staying." Isn't that what meditation is all about? Staying in the middle? For someone who has spent the majority of their existence either high or low, medicated or in a state of self fulfilled pessimistic strum and drang - storm and strife seems like a normal state of being! But meditation has given me balance when I couldn't even name it! And here I thought I was depressed!
Words are words...I can use any I choose to paint the picture of my life, to fill the canvas of my thinking and feeling world. Often I have questioned the spirituality of others wondering if what they were saying was for the benefit of others or if they (the spiritual teachers ) truly felt what they were espousing as fact. Today as usual, I only say what comes from my heart...and if it doesn't come from my heart then I just sit silently and observe. Observation is a wonderful tool, it has allowed me to carefully ponder how I feel and what choices I am going to make. Before meditation - I had few choices and acted mainly out of impulse...living from one moment to the next.
Meditation has given me balance and with balance comes the ability to choose how I act. Being non-react is a new state for me...one I mistakenly identified as "flat line" or depressed...the shift has been a subtle one - so subtle that I had difficultly identifying it. Reality doesn't change only our perceptions change and that change is brought about by a shift in perspective!
Try this simple exercise...sit in your normal meditation space for 3 minutes then open your eyes and look directly in front of you...what do you see? Now move to another space in the same room and meditate for 3 minutes, then open your eyes and look directly in front of you...the room didn't change did it? (I hope not..that's another journey!!)...What changed was your perspective! Blessings
