Did you ever seriously wonder...that if you asked just the right questions...you'd perhaps get the right answers? It seems to me that almost everyone I know...seems to get something they want out of life. Everyone except me...I beg and plead...I kick and scream...I pray and meditate...I ask questions and I listen....to no avail. Today, I am loosing hope that my life will ever amount to anything. I always thought that if I were smart enough...or experienced enough...or tried hard enough...I would get somewhere that I thought I should go. If it sounds like I'm be evasive...it's because I am.
I'm tired of trying to individuate...perhaps that's not what I'm supposed to do...heck, at mid-life one would think that if individuation were meant to happen in one's life...it would have already happened by now. I'm tired of being told that I'm at the top of the bell curve...it doesn't help me to know that. So what!
Maybe I'm not supposed to go anywhere or do anything with my life. There are no loud whispers or nudges any more. They seem to have gone away. I used to get up every morning bright and early excited about what the new day would bring. But today, I really don't care if I get up or not. The excitement wore off when I realized that I had no idea what my purpose in life was...except for raising my kids and being a wife. Woopee!!! Don't get me wrong...I am ever so grateful to be a Mom...my kids are awesome...but is that it? Am I supposed to be fulfilled because I gave birth and by some sheer province of grace my children are good?
And another thing...why do I have to blog this crap into a public forum? Why can't I just peck away in the documents section of my word processor? Do I think someone will magically give me the answers to my life? Well , honestly, I'm wishful thinkin! Hoping that by some sheer accident...just the right person with just the right answers will come along and give me just the right advice.
But, I probably won't believe them...and I'll find something wrong with their "opinions" and then I'll just start this insane line of questioning all over again tomorrow.
What is it that I really want out of my life? I want to do what I was put here to do...except that I don't know what that is...I used to think that my gift was my intuition...but heck, I don't listen to it most of the time. I thought my gift was even more powerful than intuition and flowed out onto the ESP realm. But today, I don't even much believe that anymore.
I'm tired....I'm sick and tired of not liking my life. I'm sick and tired of having to answer to other people. Maybe I'm just sick and tired of myself and my bad attitude. Now what can I do about it...???? Oh...yeah, ask the right questions....well here goes....
What is it that I'm supposed to be doing with my life? What is my calling? What is my purpose? Why am I so unhappy? What can I do to make my life better? What is better? Am I supposed to stay married to someone that I can't communicate with? Am I supposed to just be grateful to be alive and leave my days to that?
What God do you want from me today?
