Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.
~ Carl G. Jung
If you had asked me six years ago what I'd be doing about this time in my life, my answer would have been one filled with egotistical notions of grandeur! The reality is my life did not go as I planned. Life is funny that way. We go through life on our track, riding merrily along - seemingly happy, when all of a sudden there's an enormous crash and in that moment our lives are forever changed.
The crash of which I speak happened in the blink of an eye...or so I thought. My mantra for the first half of my life was "live like you were dying". Not such a bad idea if I hadn't been full of hedonistic notions. I was a dreamer for most of my life and still fall prey to my mind for brief periods of time. To dream is integral to our well being, it can propel us forward. Dreaming happens in the wake of day and in the darkness as we lay sleeping. It is as much a part of us as the breathe we take. But I was lost in my dreams, the cart before the horse syndrome! For dreams to manifest into reality they have to be followed by actions. The dreams of which I primarily speak are the dreams of "wanting", daydreams - looking at the world around me and judging my insides by my perception of the life outside of myself. A world full of noise and stuff! At mid-life I didn't choose to change - I WAS FORCED by a very compelling voice deep inside of myself to pay attention. As my psyche tried to push its way to wholeness I, being extremely stubborn, tried to resist...my ego fought a valiant fight but much to my chagrin was defeated and so the story goes:
As a young girl growing up under the wings of a family that loved me immensely, I was taught above all else to be polite, kind, courteous and respectful. I'll never forget the day it clicked...that politeness worked...I was riding in the car with my father. I had left home at 18 to follow my dreams and had to call my parents to rescue me from myself. That spring day as my father and I rode down the highway- me in hysterical tears, my father turned to me and said when did you learn to be so polite? HUH? Who me? Yes, he said, when did you learn this lesson of politeness? He was addressing the fact that I had humbled myself, asked for his help and profusely began to thank him for coming to my aid...instead of the way I'd operated for many years before...you know "screw you - I know everything." (what an arrogant brat I was). Excuse me I asked? He said, you'll go farther in life if you stop pushing so hard and just be where you are. The tumblers in my brain began to click, I saw an image of my father and myself. I was a very young girl and we were searching the yard for four leaf clovers. My father had found four already and I had none. He was sitting calmly in the grass searching through the mounds of clover within his reach. I was darting about the yard like a mad hornet, snatching handfuls of clover and tossing them aside. He said, they are right in front of you, all you have to do is sit down and calmly comb the clover, just be where you are! I smiled that spring day because intellectually I understood, be where you are, ask for help, say please and thank you...but I didn't get it in my heart - at least, not yet!
Years passed! Mid life crept up on me. I was not expecting anything. I'd merrily skipped through life trying to make good choices, be a good person but I wasn't paying attention to the voice inside of me. My own voice was as foreign as Attila the Hun at a tea party! Six years ago that little voice began to roar, first sporadically then daily and eventually it roared incessantly. I tried to block it out by self medicating but that didn't work. To make matters worse I'd already tried self medicating when I was younger and found out that I had an allergic reaction to alcohol. So here I sat at mid life a practicing alcoholic who'd had 14 years sober having a horrific mid life crisis and in full blown menopause darting about the yard of my life like a mad hornet! Excuse Me, Mid life, Alcoholism and Menopause - ME?
That particular trio does not make for the healthiest of living! It was if someone had poured acid on the circuit board in my brain! My emotions were erratic, my thinking was insane and my spiritual life was being shoved, no stomped into oblivion. The voice inside of me began to SCREAM - PAY ATTENTION. And it would take way too long for me to tell you the shenanigans I tried to avoid paying attention. But I will briefly say that I tried everything from becoming a private investigator to studying acting, from wailing "I'm not Lisa my name is Julie" at the top of my lungs to carrying around crystals in a pouch on my waste! It took four solid years for me to "hit bottom". I was awakened after raging at the heavens that I was stronger than the darkness ...yes, I was sick! Mentally, physically and spiritually.
It took a while for my "politeness" to kick in...but I eventually begin to admit that my way didn't work and that I desperately needed HELP!
Somewhere during those four long agonizing years I stumbled back across meditation. Answers came...I just tried to ignore them and continue along my merry miserable path. I wanted to find my voice as the literature had suggested but I wanted it my way or no way. Meditation calmed me it soothed my soul and quieted the roaring in my brain. I become orthodox about it...tying my hair up, being respectful in every way that I possibly could but I still didn't really want to pay attention. My spiritual awakenings were of the educational varied - many and varied. Each built upon the other until one day I could no longer try to obliterate the voice deep within. Many great teachers assisted me along the way with patience, kindness and loving guidance.
Today the journey I am on is one of following my bliss. For meditation has given a gift far beyond my wildest imagination. It has given me the gift of self. A wholeness in body, mind and spirit. It certainly was not what I was looking for. But inner peace and happiness feel much differently that they appear. The awakenings still happen when I choose to be polite and ask for help. More importanly I understand today, that the only way I get to keep this feeling is by sharing it with others! Meditation has many benefits; a few of them are stress reduction, enhanced creativity and spiritual connectedness. A theory I stumbled across in the literature about mid life said to grow up at mid life one needs,"spiritual maturity and personal authority." So that is what I try to focus on today. But without meditation I'd probably still be darting through life like a mad hornet.
I was reminded this morning in the meditation room that sometimes we have to get back to the basics. Here's a suggested meditation:
1. Sit comfortably and quietly.
2. Take 10-20 minutes
3. Consciously relax your muscles, mind and body!
4. Have a passive attitude towards instrusive thoughts.
It's quick and simple with the least of the results being stress reduction and the highest results being a spiritual awakening. Remember not to have any expectations...just let your thoughts come and go but do not follow them. Just be where you are right here, right now.
Namaste'
