"Soon the child's clear eye is clouded over by ideas and opinions, preconceptions and abstractions. Simple free being becomes encrusted with the burdensome armor of the ego. Not until years later does an instinct come that a vital sense of mystery has been withdrawn. The sun glints through the pines, and the heart is pierced in a moment of beauty and strange pain, like a memory of paradise. After that day, we become seekers." Peter Matthiessen
The memory of my physical birth is not etched into my conscious memory. However, I feel at times a longing to become connected to something that must be akin to the feeling I felt in my Mother's womb - warmth, love, bliss, peace and contentment - perhaps. Although I do not remember my physical birth, I do have many memories of my conscious awakening at mid-life. It was much longer in duration that my physical birth as it happenened sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly over a period of several years or so my mind tells me. I would say it was more violent than my physical birth but that would not be a fair comparison. (unless of course we consulted my Mother!)
And yes, you are correct if you are assuming that this blog is not going to be about today's meditation. Although I feel compelled to add that I did meditate this morning and there may be some physiological benefit but I did not arrive at a place of bliss nor was there any memorable imagery or words of wisdom. Suffice it to say at this point I am diligently practicing my new found virtue of dedication and perseverance in pursuing this daily activity of blogging. Too I'd like to admit that I have longed for the meadow, the lake, the mountaintop and my wonderful guide Lagan but came to the understanding today that "wanting" is not a tenant of any type of spiritual discipline that I profess to follow so I have some acceptance for the path I am on today. But I digressed didn't I?
The subject to which I was beginning to speak was that of my mid-life awakening. For many years of my life I walked around wondering or wandering! Wondering what everyone else knew about life that I didn't. Wandering through the dark halls of my mind completely and utterly LOST. In the midst of a violent mid-life crisis, menopause and addictions run rampant...I crumbled, no imploded into a heap of rubble! It was as if I stepped outside of myself and began to reassemble from the outside in. As I merged back into a oneness with my being, I tripped and fell a few times, like a baby learning to take it's first steps. I wandered out of the desert thirsty for knowledge of my existence and for the answers to the very nature of life itself.
In psychology this process is known as individuation. In mythology it is called a rebirth. I died to the infatile self as Jonah did when he was consumed by the Whale. This searching has been difficult at times, to say the least. Today I embrace this journey into wholeness. Daily I soak in the knowledge and understanding of the complexities of spiritual and physcial life. I feel immense gratitude for being given a second chance at life. A chance that surely must come from the Universal Spirit that surrounds us all. Being, breathing, conscious,alive. I think therefore I am! I breath therefore I have spirit. Being a part of this vast universe.
