Interesting that yesterday my world was filled with darkness. I was no longer in the Valley of my Soul but rather I'd fallen far down into the rabbit hole. A place that's cold, wet and oh so very dark. After spending hours fighting with evil forces that reside within I became tired and wanted to give in - surrender to the dark side of my ego, but I didn't do that. It was definitely a wrestle to the end but after a very heated discussion with the God of my sometimes misunderstanding I was compelled to call for reinforcements. Friends do that you know...that March in waving flags of neutrality ...a social worker stepping in on behalf of an injured child in an abusive home. They make no judgement just decisions based on the best interest of the child.
The land of friendship and it's innumerable facets is foreign to me. Using that simple four letter word, you know, H E L P - should be Russian - which I absolutely know nothing about. Or perhaps it is for so many years of my life I insisted on staying in the rabbit hole and tried to drag others in? Interesting thought. Today I do not like to even visit that dark dank place. Sometimes it seems necessary. "Help me if you can I'm feeling down..." rolled along and gave me back my rythym just for the evening.
As I struggled for the discipline to pray, do a Kriya and meditate this morning many notions - "brilliant ideas" to which I am so prone - began to formulate in my minds eye. Mind racing, body fatigued from lack of good habits I quieted myself long enough to find a glimmer of peace. A still lake surrounded by shade trees. A simple dirt path winding down through a valley. Stillness and simplicity do not equate to struggle.
With a slight bit of sanity I sat to post. Recognizing a few things about myself. There are a cast of characters in the form of bad habits, past experiences good and bad, parental influences, and worldly influence that reside as distinct voices in my head. Often times I don't recognize the tapes good or bad. Instead I let them take me down into the rabbit hole. But they can just as often bring me back out. I was cutting up this morning as the boys were having breakfast. One of them mentioned Asian surnames and this prompted me to quickly amass references in my mind. I invented a character named Kim Lee Young (my name, my sisters middle name and my brothers middle name!) She, Kim Lee, had a voice and ideas that ran rampant through my being. It was like a Variety Show. It, a different perspective brought me closer to the valley of my soul.
As I did my Kriya today an image kept popping into my minds eye. A Yogi Guru. So, I asked him his name. "Yogi Raja". Okay! Sure it is. Imagination getting the best of me? Until I finished my Kriya and meditation and googled Raja Yoga and found that it means the path to meditation. Cool huh how the mind directs us if we connect to our spirits.
Don't think I mentioned this but Lagan gave me a gold star today. He said it was for practicing humility. I'm not exactly sure I get it. But it's okay I like the gold star just the same. Funny but the path I'm on is wide enough but I don't seem to move very far from this one particular leg of it. By the lake. Ah another idea...maybe if I could let my spirit guide me and have my ego sit in the corner for a decade or two, I just might stand a chance at real peace. To die to my infantile self - Jonah did it in belly of the whale so did Hans Solo and Princess Lea in the trash compactor. Do I have to "die to my ego" more than once? It seems so. Interesting notion to ponder.
Have a Blessed day
