This morning brought with it a new experience. It started the same way - hot tub, coffee, cigarette, water, prayer, warm up kriya, meditation to stop smoking, kriya for subtle knowing, relaxation and meditation. So what's the difference...like I said, the experience!
I decided to sit in half lotus pose for my meditation as opposed to my usual easy pose - it was trying and required a lot of focus on letting go. I gave myself permission to feel the tension in my right knee, to feel the floor beneath my sitz bone but follow my breathing in and out of my body...struggle...struggle...hands in gian mudra...knee tight, difficult - can't do it. Frustration mounted ...I tried to observe, acknowledge and allow - whew, 11 minutes in an I was tired! So, I changed to easy pose. I called and called for Lagan. He came! I tried to see what he looked like so that I could describe him better.
He's petite in stature, dark skinned, elfish, gnomish, museish looking! He has strange teeth...maybe shiny. I wanted to run from my past but he told me to stop looking back. As we walked the path side by side I noticed the world behind ended with each forward step. I wanted to walk in the foot prints on the path...but he said that there weren't any. This way my journey - a new experience one I haven't had before. The we put on diving equipment and stood beside the lake. He told me I have to dive in. I panicked my heart raced and I thought of reasons why not! My ear...I'm afraid of the water pressure. It's dark in there what if something gets me? Dive in he said. So, we held hands and jumped feet first into the murky water.
As we went down into the murky water I thought about past mistakes, things in my subconscious - I tried to make them conscious so I could observe their effects on my current behaviors. I became tangled in seaweed or roots under the water, it wrapped around my foot and tucked me deeper into the dark murky water. I was afraid I'd drown. While being pulled under I was reminded of humility - recognizing our assets and our liabilities. I can do that most days. It's a smoother feeling that jealousy and envy. The song "I got a Feeling" roared into my consciousness...and I began to cry. I suddenly came out of the meditation and had tears streaming down my face.
This days meditation required more of me. In hindsight the introspection is interesting. Observe myself ...my thoughts...don't always analyze and participate in them. Roots...the root chakra is what grounds us. Is humility what keeps me grounded?
